When I think back to who I was a year or two ago, not just like career wise but brain and health wise, I am doing so much better. I don’t have outbursts, I don’t yell and scream or break things (aside from when it was pulled out by my mother who I’m pretty sure created this disorder in me). But I notice that there are some aspects of my health I am still struggling with and they are magnified because they are the only ones left.
I’m always telling people about CBD and how much it’s helped me. I feel like if they read my blog they’d be like, “Are you sure?” And yes. I am so so so so sure. Lemme tell you.
I used to be angry all of the time. Anxiety was the only hat I wore, depression was a back-burner problem that wasn’t loud enough to notice. This anger would drive me to take it out on my husband, then fiancé. I even had a mental break down where I thought that I just needed to shed myself of all that was around me because surely I wasn’t the problem. I told him to leave, I planned on moving to a new state finding complete strangers to call my new home. Luckily that only lasted a week or so. And luckily he didn’t actually leave.
One stigma on BPD patients is that we are nasty, mean, selfish, and narcissistic. I can see where they get that. The paranoid thoughts of how the world is out to get you makes you put up a front and start pointing fingers. It’s not right, of course. But it happens.
I started taking CBD and the first thing I noticed was in the morning I didn’t have to lay in a curled ball until the anxiety went away. It used to be that every morning my husband would wake me up and cradle me in his arms and let me cry until it was over. Within the first few days, we didn’t have to do that routine anymore.
The next thing I noticed was that I wasn’t getting mad at everything. I would drop something and just pick it up. I know that sounds like nothing but before it would be this whole angry why can’t my stupid fingers to their only freaking job. I noticed that when my husband would ask me questions it took more than two before I just shut down and said “I don’t know” to the rest. But when I shut down, I wasn’t annoyed. I just felt tired.
I still have anxiety, but now it’s just social anxiety, really. I still have random anxious intrusive thoughts that aren’t social related, but they are extremely rare. I still have depression, I still and bored with things that I love and have a negative outlook. But I’m getting there.
My social anxiety is still bad because I am alone the majority of the day and week. Which I also think is contributing to my depression still existing. It’s more than just medicine you need, you know? Lifestyle changes and therapy is something I preach when I write about medical cannabis. So I’m going to start practicing it.
I’m looking into a therapist again soon since I have insurance. I’m a bit worried but I have had good experiences as well as bad so I can’t count the good ones out. And my husband is making a point to get me to be around people. I’m a true extrovert, and I light up when there’s a room full of friends. But, I am also someone with BPD. So after a day with friends, I spend the next day mulling the events over in my head, trying to see if I embarrassed myself, finding the slightest problems and feeling humiliated for a while. So I gotta get rid of that mess. What I usually have to do is dab CBD all day so I can function. On top of putting a little extra in my pill.
So yeah, I’m better. But I’ve got such a long way to go. I feel like I am smack dab in the middle of recovery. I see people who are where I was and I just want to be like IT GETS BETTER! And then I see people who are where I want to be and I just want to scream HOW DO YOU EVEN? But I’m getting there. I’m gonna blow my mind one day.