I Was Racist In High School

I was racist in high school.

I didn’t hate minorities, but I was a regular white comedian. I made jokes that if I were to say them today, I would probably throw up before I could get the words out.

To give you a picture, my nickname in High School was Pitler. I was the section leader for the Pit in marching band and I was kind of a power hungry control freak, kind of like Hitler. I would walk into the room and the color guard would salute me like I was literally Hitler, and I ate it up. I thought it was hilarious. Even when we got a Jewish girl in my section, I was just so freaking…. White about it.

They were just jokes, right? I had a black boyfriend freshman year, I wasn’t racist. I had friends of all colors shapes and sizes and loved them all.  I made jokes about everyone, but that never made it okay.

I’m a real debby downer when it comes to inappropriate jokes now. I know what it feels like to be laughing at them, but I don’t know what it feels like to be the butt of the joke. Of course, I have the woman stuff. Like being uncomfortable when people make rape or molestation jokes. When I say people I mean men. It’s just really weird to joke about something you’ve never experienced and is traumatizing but we are also the same group of people that told dead baby jokes once upon a time. But even though I don’t know what it feels like to have someone make a joke about my race, I still can slightly fathom the inner rage that every single person must have held in because I was a poor little white girl who didn’t know any better.

I don’t want anyone to feel that way. Ever. I don’t understand why now ten years later people my age are still making these jokes. But I don’t feel like I have any say in what’s racist and what isn’t. I see headlines “WHITE LIBERAL FEMALE IS OFFENDED FOR EVERYONE ELSE!” And I’m always wondering if that’s me. I want people to stop being racist and sexist and homophobic or transphobic. But I am nothing but a cis white girl so I feel like I’m not even allowed in the dialogue. Which is fine, I don’t mind not being in there, I just want to know what to do at this point. The first thing I’ll do is apologize to the girl who was in my section. I’m not too sure where to go from there.

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