Sometimes I’m Ungrateful

One thing I hate about my mental illness is what a princess it encourages me to be. (I’m trying to stop saying “my illness makes me” and I’m trying to say it encourages me. I just started doing it, I’ll let you know if it helps at all.) I hate how I forget where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I am so stuck in the sea of turmoil that my brain creates for me, I forget how far I have ventured and that land is in sight.

So I took a second today to think about my life. Like, really think about it. I encourage everyone to do this because you would be surprised if you haven’t in a few years. I looked at my childhood, what kind of life it created for me. I think about the decisions I made and where they led me to (some of them jail, some of them love). And I took a second to just describe myself, only using the positives.

I know, that seems a little unfair. Only thinking of the positive? Yeah, because my life is constantly my mind running negative thoughts without a hint of positivity. Negativity doesn’t get to play this game.

It also gave me an opportunity to look at myself as I do others. Well, the way they let me see them through social media. A problem we have as a society that is tearing us down, but I used the mindset on myself and it was awesome.

I thought about my job. I was a bagger at a grocery store at 16, worked customer service jobs for ten years while I was in and out of unemployment because of my drug problem. I dropped out of college after the first semester while one best friend is about to be a doctor and the other seems to get any well-paying job coming her way while I struggle for minimum wage because of my record. And now, I’m a writer. Not just any writer, I write about marijuana. I am The Sad Hippy, this is exciting for me. is it my dream job? No. But do I love every second of it? Absolutely. I work at home, I make enough to add to my husband’s income to get by and I just started this year. My portfolio multiplied in the last few months and I am well on my way to becoming a good freelance writer. I have an amazing client who works with me, teaches me, and is encouraging and positive. Very rare to have a client like that.

I think about my future. Just a few years ago I was squatting in a house selling weed. After that I was in a trailer trying to find a job that would pay me minimum wage at least, thinking that I had no future. I couldn’t go to school, I had no money and a criminal record. I thought about how I would never be in a corporate office because even after the Vice President of merchandising for Coca-Cola put in a good word for me, the CEO and I had playful banter at the cafe I worked at, and all the employees loved me, I still couldn’t even get an interview. I was destined to work part-time at a job I hated for employers who saw no value in me. I thought I had no value.

But my future is filled with promise. I’ve discovered ways to follow my dreams of writing and making video games. Even if I don’t land a job with Rockstar or Blizzard one day, I can promise you there will be at least indie games with my name on them. When I am not writing for work, I am making my little RPG. And it will be known as the first.

I write about weed and I make video games for fun and hopefully for my future. I have a husband who is better than most beings with a pulse, a Dog who doesn’t chew on chords or eat money, and my brain. Still empty but filling more and more each day. And the smarter I get, the more knowledge I gain, the more powerful I become over my future and my present.

I just have to keep this in mind when I’m not thinking in a healthy way. I can rock. I really can. Perseverance will get me far. I just can’t let my mental illness be the reason I didn’t at least try to follow my dreams.

 

4 thoughts on “Sometimes I’m Ungrateful

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  1. I love seeing and hearing about how much you are growing as a person! You are doing so well and should be extremely proud of how far you have come. Just keep moving forward, keep reflecting on who you are vs. who you want to be, and most importantly never give up on your dreams! Excited to read more about all of your future opportunities!

    Liked by 1 person

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