One thing I hate about my mental illness is what a princess it encourages me to be. (I’m trying to stop saying “my illness makes me” and I’m trying to say it encourages me. I just started doing it, I’ll let you know if it helps at all.) I hate how I forget where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I am so stuck in the sea of turmoil that my brain creates for me, I forget how far I have ventured and that land is in sight.
So I took a second today to think about my life. Like, really think about it. I encourage everyone to do this because you would be surprised if you haven’t in a few years. I looked at my childhood, what kind of life it created for me. I think about the decisions I made and where they led me to (some of them jail, some of them love). And I took a second to just describe myself, only using the positives.
I know, that seems a little unfair. Only thinking of the positive? Yeah, because my life is constantly my mind running negative thoughts without a hint of positivity. Negativity doesn’t get to play this game.
It also gave me an opportunity to look at myself as I do others. Well, the way they let me see them through social media. A problem we have as a society that is tearing us down, but I used the mindset on myself and it was awesome.
I thought about my job. I was a bagger at a grocery store at 16, worked customer service jobs for ten years while I was in and out of unemployment because of my drug problem. I dropped out of college after the first semester while one best friend is about to be a doctor and the other seems to get any well-paying job coming her way while I struggle for minimum wage because of my record. And now, I’m a writer. Not just any writer, I write about marijuana. I am The Sad Hippy, this is exciting for me. is it my dream job? No. But do I love every second of it? Absolutely. I work at home, I make enough to add to my husband’s income to get by and I just started this year. My portfolio multiplied in the last few months and I am well on my way to becoming a good freelance writer. I have an amazing client who works with me, teaches me, and is encouraging and positive. Very rare to have a client like that.
I think about my future. Just a few years ago I was squatting in a house selling weed. After that I was in a trailer trying to find a job that would pay me minimum wage at least, thinking that I had no future. I couldn’t go to school, I had no money and a criminal record. I thought about how I would never be in a corporate office because even after the Vice President of merchandising for Coca-Cola put in a good word for me, the CEO and I had playful banter at the cafe I worked at, and all the employees loved me, I still couldn’t even get an interview. I was destined to work part-time at a job I hated for employers who saw no value in me. I thought I had no value.
But my future is filled with promise. I’ve discovered ways to follow my dreams of writing and making video games. Even if I don’t land a job with Rockstar or Blizzard one day, I can promise you there will be at least indie games with my name on them. When I am not writing for work, I am making my little RPG. And it will be known as the first.
I write about weed and I make video games for fun and hopefully for my future. I have a husband who is better than most beings with a pulse, a Dog who doesn’t chew on chords or eat money, and my brain. Still empty but filling more and more each day. And the smarter I get, the more knowledge I gain, the more powerful I become over my future and my present.
I just have to keep this in mind when I’m not thinking in a healthy way. I can rock. I really can. Perseverance will get me far. I just can’t let my mental illness be the reason I didn’t at least try to follow my dreams.