I Might Have Found My CBD Sweet Spot

I have been taking CBD for over a month. I gradually got into it, and it is helping a lot.

First what I did was take tinctures every day twice a day. It made my anxiety almost inexistent, but my depression was still overwhelming.

I started making brownies, I put 20mg of CBD in each of them and ate them once a day for two weeks, and it was like I was on the cusp of a breakthrough. It was like I was in a raging frozen river of depression, and I had finally found the ice surface that I needed to break through to find normality.

I hated baking, it got stressful. The decision to quit baking came when my mother was going on a trip for a month and needed two brownies a day, and I had to bake them all while getting over a cold so she would have them. It left a big enough impression on my psyche that thinking of baking brownies sends me into a spiral of “I’m not doing anything ever again for the rest of my life.”

So I got some size 5 empty pill capsules, the smallest I could find, and a scooper, which is too big by the way. It takes me about 40 seconds to fill each pill, and the whole time my hands are shaking. I’m so worried I am going to drop it. This stuff is precious to me, it’s expensive and makes my days bearable, I can’t mess up. So I made a couple of pills with 30 mgs in them each and have been taking them for a week. I think 30mg might be my sweet spot, but it is always good to keep the same dose for a while to see what’s up.

Right now, my motivation is easier to find. Though, it is still just as easy to lose. When my illness was more severe, the thought of movement made my anxiety so intense I could barely get out of bed. The thought of the work I had to do, how dirty the house was, the fact the dog needed to go out, I couldn’t handle it. (I did let the puppers out, of course, I’m not evil)

I have always been aware of coping mechanisms and therapy treatments. I know that exercise will make me healthier in my mind and body. (I’ve written several articles on it for work, I have to know that stuff.) But the think about mental illness is you don’t think clearly. You don’t care. You have no motivation. And the slightest sense of urgency sends you into a downward spiral, so you remain unmoved to prevent that from happening.

Now that I am getting better, I have had the motivation to do things. I did yoga a couple times these past two weeks, feeling amazing after I did it. Thinking, “I’m going to do this every day” HAH! I also realized that my anxiety goes down after I have gotten work done. Which is obvious, but I never took the time to link the stress to the fact that I have to do things. That is a healthy way of thinking which until recently had been completely foreign to me. And working makes me feel better, which is what class? A healthy coping mechanism. The first one I recognized myself doing by default. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

So this is where I’m at right now. I’m doing things I wasn’t, and my way of thinking has naturally shifted into a healthier mindset. I know that medication alone doesn’t fix problems. (I write about that at work too!) So the next step is more than just continually upping my CBD until I am a fully functioning member of society. I have some life changes that I’ve always needed to make, I am just finally able to do them. And until then, the struggle will be there. But aren’t we all used to struggle by now?

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