My Mental Disorder Kind Of Is Me

I follow a good amount of mental health bloggers because I like to be involved in their stories as well as mine. Or maybe they figured something out I haven’t yet, or maybe I could even help them. But one thing I see all the time is how their mental health doesn’t define them. They aren’t their OCD, they aren’t their anxiety, they aren’t their depression.

What? How?

It baffles me because every moment, every second is engulfed in thinking about how I am going to get through the day. How did I react to this? Am I getting better? How did this affect me? Do I show improvement?

I am my borderline personality disorder. I mean, I feel like I am. Isn’t what makes us who we are our minds? So if mine is all messed up, that’s me. Right?

It does keep me from going outside and hanging out with friends. Not all the time, because I can conquer it some days, but it still is debilitating.

It does plague my mind constantly when I’m embarrassed I’m mortified. When I’m angry I’m filled with a spitting rage. When I’m sad I’m depressed and when I’m happy just watch out it’s like I’m on some kind of drug.

That defines me. Large emotions. Overreactions. That is who I am. Right now.

I don’t understand how people can say something like that isn’t a part of them. I know it’s like “Won’t keep me down, I am me, I decide!” but like, in reality, no it will keep me down. It’s not just some mood I am in, my brain is torturing me with overactive neurotransmitters. I can’t just pretend that how my brain functions isn’t who I am.

I just don’t understand it I guess.

12 thoughts on “My Mental Disorder Kind Of Is Me

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  1. I feel as though I’ve always been taught by society and in CBT that my OCD is this intruder that I should hate and constantly fight. But I totally agree with you, my OCD makes me who I am, it is a part of me. I wouldn’t be the person I am without it! And I’m proud of that. For me, it’s about working alongside my diagnosis and managing it. I wrote about it here: https://memyselfnmentalhealth.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/that-light-bulb-moment/

    Great post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with this so much! There’s so much focus on being “stronger” than your illness and fighting it. But like, how can I fight myself? Trying to fight with myself and punishing myself for mistakes or overreactions only leads to extended moods/crying sessions/self doubt, etc. I also try to remember that there is strength in admitting weaknesses. I get you, sis!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Yeah, I thought maybe it’s just something I don’t understand, so I was just kind of whatever about it. I’m glad I said something because the fact people get where I’m coming from makes it easier to deal with. We are just constant warriors and we are cool because of it 😎

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am loving this. So much: “I am my borderline personality disorder. I mean, I feel like I am. Isn’t what makes us who we are our minds? So if mine is all messed up, that’s me. Right?”

    But we MUST surround ourselves with positive thoughts. Do the opposite. Right?

    This is said from someone who thought she was over the diagnosis 11 years ago…
    (My apologies for spamming your blog- you are so eloquent. And able to vocalize all the racy thoughts in my mind 💙 thank you).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Spam me, please! Thank you so much. And you’ve got it right with positivity I think. I think finding the balance of accepting who I am as someone with BPD and ask not let it consume me. It’s hard though. But I do find that just having positive thoughts helps me not drown in it.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you could connect with it. I truly feel like it makes the journey a little easier when other people say the words you think. It’s so easy to feel shadowed and alone in your illness, wondering do other people think like you. We might all be messed up in some way, but at least we are messed up together 🤗

      Like

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