I follow a good amount of mental health bloggers because I like to be involved in their stories as well as mine. Or maybe they figured something out I haven’t yet, or maybe I could even help them. But one thing I see all the time is how their mental health doesn’t define them. They aren’t their OCD, they aren’t their anxiety, they aren’t their depression.
It baffles me because every moment, every second is engulfed in thinking about how I am going to get through the day. How did I react to this? Am I getting better? How did this affect me? Do I show improvement?
I am my borderline personality disorder. I mean, I feel like I am. Isn’t what makes us who we are our minds? So if mine is all messed up, that’s me. Right?
It does keep me from going outside and hanging out with friends. Not all the time, because I can conquer it some days, but it still is debilitating.
It does plague my mind constantly when I’m embarrassed I’m mortified. When I’m angry I’m filled with a spitting rage. When I’m sad I’m depressed and when I’m happy just watch out it’s like I’m on some kind of drug.
That defines me. Large emotions. Overreactions. That is who I am. Right now.
I don’t understand how people can say something like that isn’t a part of them. I know it’s like “Won’t keep me down, I am me, I decide!” but like, in reality, no it will keep me down. It’s not just some mood I am in, my brain is torturing me with overactive neurotransmitters. I can’t just pretend that how my brain functions isn’t who I am.
I just don’t understand it I guess.