I’ve taken CBD tincture drops for more than 48 hours now, and I really want to talk about it. I’ve been doing a ton of research about CBD for this writing gig I have for a website that sells CBD products. In fact, if you want to know what I know about the stuff, all of the written articles are by me and are pretty informative if I don’t say so myself. (Not a plug, I’m just proud of my work.) At the bottom of the blog, I’ll attach some links if you’re interested in learning more about it.
I Had To Try It
So I had to get the stuff. Not only was I reading real research done by unbiased scientists, I was reading more into brain anatomy and chemistry which just made everything make sense.
Soon I became an encyclopedia for CBD, and anytime someone complained about an ailment CBD could help I would almost always bring it up. I had to try it for myself if I was pushing it on everyone else.
Why Not Pharmaceuticals?
You may wonder, if you are in so much misery why aren’t you getting medicine sold from doctors? And the answer is because I hate everything the pharmaceutical company stands for killing millions of people with their precious Xanax and Oxycontin, droning people out with their suppressive medications, I refuse to take part in something that ruins lives for profit. I have tried medications as a kid and they all make me either a different person or more suicidal, so I decided I was going to wrangle my brain through other means.
But I digress.
I Started The Journey
I ordered from the website I work for, and I’m still waiting for the isolate to come in. It’s pure industrial hemp CBD isolate crystals that I am going to make into tinctures or whatever I want with it. I didn’t want to wait for any longer after all of the reading I have done, and I got a small bottle from a store in town of CBD oil tinctures to hold me over until my delivery comes in.
I’m BPD. I am a child. I have patience for nothing.
The First Drop Made Me Feel Lighter
So I do the first drop. And it tasted pretty gross but whatever. And in a few minutes, the hole in my stomach started feeling lighter. I constantly have anxiety. From the morning I wake up to the time I can finally get to sleep. It’s exhausting. And debilitating at times. Luckily my depression will get so severe it will take over and instead of being anxious I’m just numb.
My stomach doesn’t feel fixed, it just felt like the hole got a mesh net over it. It still existed, but there was the slightest cover.
I Still Couldn’t Focus
I then worked on my articles, and it was still difficult to focus. The content was scarce on the internet anyway, adding to my frustrations that nobody has the answers I’m looking for. One of the worst parts about being a writer is having an outline with killer points that either science hasn’t discovered yet or they have and it isn’t free yet. (Did you know we still don’t know why we cry? That’s frustrating to me)
How It Changed My Eating
My mother pulled me out of my office to make me eat. I often times don’t because I have no appetite until later in the day. It’s not healthy but I can only deal with one thing at a time. Normally I don’t have the motivation to even try eating, but I had it the slightest. My appetite didn’t increase, but I was able to force myself to eat half a burger.
My Anger Was Present But Stifled
We started talking about things that get me riled up (it doesn’t take much) and I was still angry and saying things that I probably don’t mean. But the liquid fire that usually runs through my body was probably 2 degrees cooler.
So the first day of CBD was impressive, but it wasn’t enough. The next day I continued to take it though, and something interesting happened.
I woke up with anxiety like I do every day. The kind where your core feels like it’s being pulled to the ground and your heart beats are quick and sting like ice. I had my morning cigarette which always calms me a little.
CBD And My Anxious Morning
I took two drops instead of one because I felt like I wasn’t just trying to have a normal day I was trying to fix a problem. And I laid in my bed and waited.
In a few minutes, I could feel my anxiety calm, but its presence was still there. It was like anxiety was a peeping tom, making me uncomfortable from a distance and I had no control. I felt like I was standing at the top of a mountain, waiting for the wind to topple me over. Yes, I was stable for now, but it was weak like thin ice after the first flower blooms.
It felt better, but it felt so fragile I didn’t want to move. I was scared it wouldn’t last. I told my husband my worries and he called me. He talked to me for a couple of minutes, let me tell him how I feel and him just saying it’s gonna be okay. That helped of course.
Feeling For Work Stayed Similar But Improved
My work anxiety was getting to me. I had to get in front of the computer and get to work. I pulled myself out of bed and as I walked through the kitchen, I gave myself one more drop as I could feel my heart starting to melt into molten lava.
I sat down and began to write. I thought, “I need to make a list of everything I need to do for this project again.” I had completed the one I made before, and that felt pretty good. But when I made this new one, it almost filled the section on my whiteboard. And I started to feel overwhelmed.
But it wasn’t overwhelmed like my lungs were half filled with water and my body felt numb. It was overwhelmed like I can’t do this I can’t do this. Which seems to be an improvement. So I left my office and started laundry.
I’m Thinking Clearly? Maybe?
I gave myself a list to do that could be completed that day. That way I would be able to accomplish something. My list for work isn’t for all in one day, and I need to be able to recognize that so I don’t get overwhelmed. Pretty smart, right?
From 0% Motivation to 10% Motivation
But I didn’t want to do these things. I had very little motivation to do the dishes. I had to force myself to clean the kitchen. And when I was done, I had to force myself to eat breakfast. Just cereal. But the point is, I had the slightest bit of motivation to force myself to do something. I was like, hey depression, gettin weak?
I thought to myself as I was eating my Reese’s Puffs cereal, “On the outside looking in, I look like a total functioning human being right now.” It wasn’t easy, but I was doing it.
My Sparkle Was Missing, But That Could Be Depression Still
I decided I was going to start dressing up and wearing makeup every day so I would hopefully feel better about myself. So I did that, and yes the makeup was on point. I was lookin good. Had my feather necklace on and I was taking selfies for my husband like he’s never seen my face before. I wasn’t a giggily joyous mess, I was just slightly feelin it.
Still Can’t Focus But I Am Completing My Work
I then got to work. The content was so easy it was difficult to stay focused. I had already done the one that required intensive research which blanketed onto this one, so I was pooling from my mind and fact checking more so than searching for answers on the internet.
I did my best staying focused but I left my office a lot to do things around the house. I eventually did finish the article, and when I did my husband was almost home.
Gamer Rage Still Getting To Me
We took some drops together and played video games with our friend online. I was still getting irritated, but not to the point I wanted to break anything like usual. I was just like a pouty “whatever” and went along and kept playing.
I’m More Lovey Dovey
And when we went to sleep, I have been more affectionate these last two nights for sure. Not like my libido is crazy now or anything, just I was more cuddly I guess.
Now We Are Here
So I’m on my third day today. And I feel like I still have the base problems of BPD, but the volume is turned down a little. And I’m not drowning in my depression, I’m treading water. Only time will tell if it gets better or stays the same. If you’ve taken CBD, I’d love to hear about your experience in the comment section.
**Important Note:: My mother is also taking CBD, she is bi-polar and has arthritis in her back. We have been applying it topically on her spine and doing tinctures the same amount of time I have been doing this, 48 hours, and today was the first time in “I don’t know how long” she hasn’t felt pain in her back. That gives me hope for me.
Day 3 Sudden Update
My sister was dangling her daughter over my mother again. She is always using my moms love her granddaughter to get her to try to make amends with my grandmother. My mother and her mother don’t have a great relationship, I’m smart enough to stay out of it. I freaked out on my sister, told her I knew everything that she lied about including about the stuff about my dad, and told her she could be dead in a ditch and I wouldn’t care. I blocked her from facebook and my phone… I’m not fixed yet.