My World Is Gray

It’s odd having Borderline Personality Disorder. The feelings are just odd. Extreme emotions, almost always inappropriate. When I hear about stories of drunk people, often times I have seen myself react similar completely sober just very excited or upset. I’m always battling myself, worrying, critiquing. But lately, depression has been taking the stage.

What I’m used to is getting so excited over pens I can barely sit still, or being so happy my favorite movie appeared on Netflix that I cry. Being so angry that my body shakes and I can actually feel my skin’s temperature rising, or being so sad that all I can do is curl into a ball until I find a way to disappear. I’m not used to nothingness. And that is what depression looks like for me.

Depression

My reflection in a fogged mirror. The way the world sounds under water. Twenty feet ahead in the road on a foggy morning. The view out of a screened in porch. Soft scents through a stuffy nose, trying to taste anything with a stuffy nose. Rainbows on black and white tv. The feeling of being aware of what is there but unable to sense it. Faint memories making silhouettes in the clouds, but it’s never really clear. Craving the sensation their completeness once brought you; identity, security, happiness.

That has been my depression lately. A heavy monster with its claws in my back dragging me down when I have put myself in a world specifically tailored to build me up. It’s relentless. It knows no apologies it doesn’t bring upon pain. It doesn’t bring upon extreme emotions. It just takes out the color in everything around me. And this constant battle to fight the gray has been exhausting.

Things Are Amazing

I recently quit my job managing the café, giving me time to write full time. I just got freaking married. My mom finally got her social security so she can have the retirement that was wrongfully taken from her, and I am on the way to getting my life back on track after becoming a drug addict and following the path of a felon. Things are amazing.

And yet.

Everything is grey. I find myself happy, but I haven’t had butterflies in my stomach in days. I get sad, but there’s no tears. It’s often me just stopping what I’m doing to stare off into to space as this feeling from my chest spreads over me like static on the television and I slowly turn into something that just is.

I’ve had this idea for a blog for three to four days. I just haven’t had the motivation to write. The only thing I do in my office is work. No short stories, no poems, no volunteer projects or personal projects. I only do what makes me money and I do just enough to maintain my good reputation. Which is a good amount, but I could always be doing more.

I’m drowning, but slowly in quicksand that isn’t even deep. All I have to do is stand, but I just lay there and let it consume me. It’s like a demon that saps the motivation out of you and watches you stop eating, sleeping, living. They laugh and the giggle in the shadows as we kill ourselves for them. And I’m tired of fighting it.

My wedding day was spectacular. I was the happiest I had been in a while. What was unfortunate, is that I’m so used to happiness coming naturally. All of my emotions just pour out of me, I just go with it. I had to try to be happy. On my wedding day, all of the amazing things made it a lot easier, and it was a perfect day. But when it came to an end, I was so tired. I thought to myself, there is no way I could do that every day. I could not have a good day every day. It’s too tiring.

How I’m Fighting Depression

I’m tired of it. I’m running out of options. So I went and did a bunch of things that I thought could help me gain motivation to write. It’s what makes me the happiest, so that is where I need to begin.

I Bought White Boards

I purchased a whiteboard calendar. Something I have wanted since I was a kid. This item doesn’t only make me happy when getting it, giving me a break from the gray, but it also can help me get excited about organization. I got several different kinds and put them around the house. I will get things done at least by the time I need them done. I’m giving myself relaxed dead lines because I have to start small. But this is one little thing.

I Made A Playlist

Months ago I made a playlist that was music that made me bob my head or bounce to listen to in the morning at work. After a while, as soon as I heard the songs I would start dancing even if it was 7 in the morning. I noticed when I went grocery shopping (Which gives me anxiety around all those people, so I listen to music to tune out the looks they aren’t even giving me), that when I played the music, it improved my mood. So now, in the morning, I make breakfast while I clean the kitchen. I play that music, and it puts me in a better mood to start the day.

I Force Myself Out

Even if it is just for a walk down the street, or a trip to the gas station, I am getting out of the house. Stephen King walks for 4 miles a day, I hear. Something every writer should do. It’s usually just a walk as far as a cigarette lasts, but it is something. I am just starting out, and I suck at motivating myself when I am depressed like everyone else. And sometimes when I’m out, I’ll buy myself something small because I deserve it for not succumbing to my depression at that moment.

More Than Just Writing Stuff

I Bought A New Shower Head And Tooth Paste

This is something no one likes to talk about with mental disorder, but hygiene is often neglected. People just forget or don’t care, and it can get really unhealthy. I am always buying new soaps that get me in the shower, recently I got a new shower head. I am always trying to change things up and finding little ways to motivate me to be healthy.

I’ve Been Taking Selfies

I used to hate them. I used to look down on people taking pictures of themselves. Because I never understood it. But now, I realize the benefit they can have. Now, I don’t mean posting every picture I take online. I delete most of them. But it makes me feel pretty, which makes me feel good at that moment. And all I need is a break from the gray sometimes.

I’ve Made Time For My Other Hobbies

I love video games. They have been a part of my life longer than reading and writing. But, they aren’t a necessity on the to-do list so often times my Xbox goes untouched for weeks. Well no more! I now have made time to play video games. And I got games I can play with my husband so we can spend time together doing things we love. It helps our relationship and my mental health!

So that is how I’m fighting my gray. If you have any suggestions on what helps you, I would love to hear them. These things are working for me, but I am willing to try anything new.

Thanks for reading!

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