My words, my feelings, my thoughts, each are relevant. As much as anyone else’s. I don’t care if my brain is different. The feelings are the same.
So many times we hear, “It’s all in your head.” Well, Bill Nye, where do your emotions come from? Because mine come from my brain. Which happens to be located in my head. So yes, it’s in my head. And your head. And your mothers and your neighbors because that is where we get our feelings.
You know that feeling you get when you slam on your breaks right before you hit the car in front of you? You know that rush you get from nearly missing? How your heart felt knowing it was almost in a car accident? The relief you feel after you have saved the day, but you still need a second to calm down. Maybe you take deep breaths, or your nervous and laugh at the situation. If you have driven a vehicle before in your life, you most likely have felt this feeling.
If you are a perfect driver, that split second where you don’t see your child in a busy store. No children? The feeling you get when the front door is open and your dog isn’t in the house. No Pets? That feeling you got when someone you loved died. No loved ones? That feeling you got when you watched the dog episode in Futurama. Now I know I have covered everyone.
Now just imagine with me for a moment, that every time you see the color green that same emotion stirs up. You aren’t too sure why, but your heart starts to race, your stomach is filled with boulders it seems, and you feel like your falling constantly. Only when you see the color green though.
So when you walk outside and see your lawn, anytime you need to use money, that favorite pen you had, all of that makes you feel disgusting. You stomach plummets and you are left confused and your heart is beating so fast you wonder if it will just give out.
But… it’s just the color green. It’s not a big deal.
Your feelings must be less real if no one feels them.
No one else freaks out when they see green, you must be over reacting.
But you’re not. You are just reacting.
And that’s what I’m trying to say.
Having a mental illness does not mean my words or feelings mean less. In reality, I feel everything a lot stronger than most people. So keeping my composure when I can show strength while other’s can fold at the slightest uncomfortable emotion. I am a rock in my own mind from all I go through, but since I break at extreme emotions I seem weak because they happen so often.
I am not weak. And neither are you.
I understand my mental illness doesn’t make sense to most, it barely makes sense to me because I have drowned myself is cognitive research like a lunatic. My only proof of having these high emotions are when they turn physical. Because you only believe what you can see. I tell you I have a black pit in my stomach? No big deal. I start dry heaving as I step onto the elevator? “OH, MY GOODNESS WHAT IS WRONG ARE YOU OKAY?”
Yes. This is nothing. I’m not in fetal position so I am fine. I am a rock. I am strong. I get bombarded with these crazy intense emotions and I just keep on going because I have to.
My emotions are relevant. They come from the same place that they do for everyone else. Just because my emotions are strong, doesn’t make me weak.