Mental Illness Can Make You Throw People Away

There’s this movie called Mr. Nobody, and it’s about a mans life and the different time lines he lived. There is a turning point in his life that splits his life into multiple timelines, and he recollects them on his death bed to a reporter.

In one of the timelines, he falls in love with a cute blonde. Another, he has a true love he’s always chasing. Another where he is truly happy with his soul mate, and several more. But there is a particular scene that got to me.

The woman’s name is Elise, and she has a mental break down in her bedroom. One that I am too familiar with. It goes like this:

Now, it doesn’t have to be a long lost lover that plagues our mind. At one point in time, this was me but about my future.

Two years ago I went through a massive break down that was fueled by alcohol. I would drink to the point of almost blacking out drunk every single night. And someone with a mental disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder, it can turn us into monsters.

I felt trapped living in Florida. Making $10 an hour, with the same routine that had me going nowhere, and I was filled with dreams.

I am also a criminal. Not anymore, but that’s not what people who read my paperwork think. So finding a job with health benefits and a living wage was impossible. Luckily with my fiancé, we had dual income and could survive. But I was depending on someone. I hated that.

I would dream of coding video games and eventually write story lines for them. I would dream of writing books that got movie deals. And for some reason, none of this could be done in my two bedroom duplex working 40 hours a week only making 300 each paycheck and having my fiance be the reason we aren’t homeless.

So you know what I did? For about four days I freaked out. Constant state of extreme anxiety, irritation, and of course depression.

These things make your mind wander. What if my life was this way? What if I did this different? What in my life is making me miserable?

It can’t be me or my mind of course. I was too naive to think that.

So it was my fiancé. He became the problem. The man who worked until five in the morning, the man who holds me when I’m having a panic attack, the man who does everything he can to make me happy and comfortable, he was the problem.

So I lashed out. I dumped him. Engaged for a year and I was done. I decided that I needed to erase everything in my life and escape this place and start over.

I made plans to move to a state where they don’t make you check a box for your criminal record. Maybe, just maybe, someone will see me for me. And not my past drug addiction.

I was going to go to school with this new job. I was going to learn coding to get into the video game world. I was just a writer, I couldn’t do anything with that.

So I told him to leave. He was so confused, and he should have been. It came out of nowhere. I had kept this misery inside my head and it built up to the point that everything around me was the culprit.

He did as I asked. He left. He stayed with his parents. And I was so lonely. I didn’t understand. Wasn’t this what I wanted? I step in the direction of freedom? You can’t have freedom in a relationship, I thought.

But I was still miserable. I thought it was because I was hurting him. That was where the pain was. But I ached. My entire body felt like stone from the absence of his big beautiful body in the tiny duplex. My chest was empty, but heavy at the same time. My skin would feel warm, but it wouldn’t sweat. I would cry. Nasty snot filled screaming crying.

I didn’t know what to do.

I couldn’t handle being away from him after four days. It got worse and worse. His family now knowing the hurtful things I said.

I don’t love you, I just care about you.
You don’t make me happy.
I don’t want to be here anymore with you.

Who says that to someone? Someone who believes it, that’s who.

I finally had him come over to our house. And when he walked through the door, the air was still stale but my arms were drawn to him. I fell into his arms and he barely hugged me, confused.

We talked. A lot. I told him how I was feeling. He asked me questions that were logical and made me angry because I couldn’t answer them.

And then I realized that this is the best man I will ever find. This man treats me like a queen even when I’m being a monster. This man loves me more than anyone on this planet, including my family, has ever loved me. And he knows how to show it.

I curled into his lap and cried in his arms. What had I done? These last four days I was going through Hell in my mind, and I made sure to bring my fiance along for the ride.

And you know what he did?

He stood me up, wiped my tears from my face and kissed me. Then he got down on one knee, and pulled out my engagement ring I had thrown days before and asked,

“Will you marry me? Again?”

What a romantic, right? Every negative boil in my body evaporated in that moment. And from then, we have been stronger than ever. Growing each day.

But today I wonder. My relationship with this man is the best I’ve ever had. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever known.

And I guarantee, I’m the reason he is in the most unhealthy relationship he has ever known.

And that tears me apart.

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