We Laugh Through Tears to Appease The Audience

I’m exhausted of people commenting on how sensitive I am. I recognize that I cry over everything. I tell you it’s not a big deal when I do. I laugh it off. Not for my sake, but for yours.

I know that my emotions are more intense than most (Thanks, amygdala). I know I just need to cry it out and I will be fine. I know this tsunami of emotion will pass. But you never seem to understand that, so I just go along with whatever you throw at me.

But it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting pretending the world isn’t crashing down for no reason, my body is just malfunctioning. In reality, that is what’s happening. When you have borderline personality disorder, your emotions are more intense. There’s this part of your brain called the amygdala that is your ability to feel emotions and even see them in other people. The smaller it is, the more active it is. In borderline personality disorder, ours is small.

When we are happy, we are high on everything around us. Our energy levels are almost uncomfortable, barely able to contain ourselves.

When we are angry it’s rage. Irritation at the start, and quickly igniting to rage from the smallest spark.

When we are sad, our emptiness consumes us. Tears come easily for some of us. There are those of us who don’t even cry.

The best part is that it doesn’t take much to make us feel anything.

But I know it’s passing. I know that the spark that I feel will fizzle out. I understand that chemistry is happening, and it doesn’t last forever. I understand I can not change how I feel in that moment. My brain won’t allow it. So I ride it out and try to learn from the experience.

When it is happiness, I embrace it. I hold on to it,  cherish it. I take in my surroundings, the people I am with, the smells. I understand my happiness is fleeting. At the tip of an iceberg, knowing any shift in the wind will send me plummeting into the icy ocean. And honestly, I think that gives me an edge.

When I am overwhelmed with anxiety, too many decisions, too many things going wrong, and I finally break into an eruption of tears, I know it will pass. It feels like my inside are being torn to shreds, but I understand that it is only in the present. And when I laugh it off, it isn’t for my sake. It’s because you don’t understand what my reality is, and I am trying to fit into yours.

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