Borderline Personality and Me

It’s easy to be real with people you don’t know behind a screen. I don’t gauge your expectations, I just write and sometimes someone will read it.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The National Institute of Health calls it, ”A serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and function.” And then they tag on a little, “These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships.” For good measure. It’s weird, isn’t it? When you have some dark monster following you around and science gives it a pretty name.

This basically means that throughout the day I am confident. I am smarter than the average person. I am beautiful and unique. My smile lights up the room, I even catch myself checking me out in reflections. I have amazing people skills and I excel in job number one at the café, dealing with people all day. I am ambitious holding three jobs. I am hilarious, one of the funniest people I know. I am conquering the world right now and chasing my dreams. I am excited to work on projects, meet new people, hang out with friends. I giggle often, a higher pitch than most would prefer, and I am singing, whistling, oozing out butterflies and rainbows.

In the exact same day, I am worthless. I am too skinny and my face has odd angles. My bones stick out in places they shouldn’t, and I am pale beyond comparison. I know nothing. I am constantly confused by things that escape my comprehension, and if I don’t immediately catch on, it’s hopeless. I feel so behind in the world. I am 26 barely scraping by while my friends are having children and careers. Some days I can’t get out of bed because of the thought of standing, being outside of my house, my room, makes me feel disgusting. I constantly compare myself to others, and I am always cold in the shadows. The majority of the day is spent holding back tears of frustration, rage, depression. I am constantly in a twisting state of anxiety. I don’t know how to talk to people, my social skills are embarrassing. Everyone around me probably thinks so little of me. I am constantly dwelling on things I can’t change. And I hate everyone who looks at me.

And I can feel both of these things in the span of two hours, two minutes, two seconds. It’s exhausting. People who don’t know me well know the first me. That goes along with most of us though. Most of us with mental illnesses suffer in secrecy. We don’t want to come off as wanting attention. We also don’t want people to think differently of us. You never know how someone is going to react. So we keep it to ourselves. It’s no one’s business anyway.

When I was diagnosed with BPD, I had no idea what it was. While bouncing from doctor to doctor and illness to illness, I heard most of the common ones. I’m bi-polar. Then I just have depression and general anxiety. Oh but wait she has PTSD. And eventually, it landed on BPD, something unfamiliar to me.

How was something that affects 1.6% of the American population unfamiliar to me? That’s 4 million people suffering the exact same way as me and categorized all the same. But I had never heard of our cool club called the BPD.

So I’m making it a point to be relevant to people like me. It’s been several years since my diagnosis, and it’s been pretty neat watching mental health become less and less taboo, but I still see a lack of information or relativeness when it comes to BPD specifically. So I’m gathering everything I can find and putting it all in one place. Benefiting myself in my studies on who I am, as well as maybe helping guide someone else faced with similar challenges.

Challenges like

  • Self-Image
  • Overall confidence
  • Building relationships
  • Anger Issues
  • Self Harm
  • Social Isolation
  • Impulsivity
  • Being self-destructive
  • And much, much more!

Where my BPD buddies at?

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